Jokes 2

True Scifi Story

During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.

To beat the problem, the American space agency spent 6 years and $95 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

On the other hand, in response to the same challenge, the cash-strapped Soviets used a pencil.

:) :) :)
 
Some Good Oldies

A Chech immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Oh, yes," the Chech replied, "I know this guy!"


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."


A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "No dear, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving..."

:) :) :)
 
LETTERS ABBY WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

:) :) :)
 
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those goddamn assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f *cking sheet rock..."
 
New Dog Cross Breeds:


Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel: Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter
anyway

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu: .... Take a guess
 
Corporate Logic

He who works a lot makes many errors.
He who works little makes few errors.
He who does no work makes no errors.
He who makes no errors gets the promotion.
 
Al Gore sings <A href="http://mfile.akamai.com/5020/wma/rushlimb.download.akamai.com/5020/New/balloffire.asx">Ball of Fire</a>.
 
Not really in the spirit of this thread, but I laughed my ass of watching this. Any PETA bitches wanna whine - It's a fuckin' tree rat - get over it.


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