Jokes 2

It's The Law

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because my lawyer isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to lawyer): Do you have any comments on defendant's motion?
Lawyer: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: All right. Let's keep going. Any other questions?

Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is about to become pregnant;he means she is about to deliver.
Judge: Yes, I understand. OK, he may be excused... in either case he should be present.

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his wurds.

District Attorney: Well, what happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
District Attorney: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.

Attorney: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information, knowledge and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Judge: And who is this person you are speaking of?
Defendant: My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Coroner: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Judge: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Defendant: Yes, sir.
Judge: Before or after he died?

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Attorney: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Attorney General: Would the Court like me to put a very brief statement on the record about the discovery that was made today?
Judge: No.
Attorney General: No?
Judge (to reporter): Would you like him to do that, Cathy?
Reporter: No, absolutely not.
Judge: Any other questions?

Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs that went down to the basement, did they go up also?

Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

Attorney: Are you the husband of the defendant? I mean of the plaintiff?
Witness: I'm the wife.
Attorney: You're not working for the defendant, are you?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: I mean, he hasn't paid you off to come in here and lie for him, to all of us here, for this whole trial, has he?
Witness: No, sir. Unfortunately, he doesn't make that kind of money.

Attorney: Doctor, what treatment did you give this man?
Doctor: I cleansed the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse.

Attorney: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Miami?
Witness: No, he never took me to Miami, cheap bastard.

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?
Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Attorney: Do you know how far you are pregnant now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at the time?

:) :) :)
 
Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. Patient has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

:) :) :)
 
Corrected Glossary Of Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

:) :) :)
 
This is kinda old, but I thought worth repeating on this day. I was raised a Yankee, but have been a proud Southerner for many years now.

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40 cal pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? What can I do to understand his behavior, to relate to his concerns? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.


Republican's Answer:

BANG!


Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"
 
CALORIC STATISTICS

Calories Burned During Sex*

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:*
With her consent.................................12 Calories*
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories*

OPENING HER BRA:*
With both hands..................8 Calories*
With one hand....................12 Calories*
With your teeth.................485 Calories*

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:*
With an erection..................................6 Calories*
Without an erection ..................3,315 Calories*

POSITIONS:*
* Missionary.................................12 Calories*
* 69 lying down............................78 Calories*
69 standing up...........................812 Calories*
Wheelbarrow.............................216 Calories*
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories*
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories*

ORGASMS:*
Real...............112 Calories*
Fake............1,315 Calories*

POST ORGASM:*
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories*
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories*
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories*

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:*
20-29 years......................................36 Calories*
30-39 years......................................80 Calories*
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories*
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories*
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories*
70 and over...............................No data available*

DRESSING AFTERWARDS*
Calmly............................................ ............32 Calories*
In a hurry............................................. ........98 Calories*
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories*
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories*

NOTE: Results may vary
 
I am working on a new thirteen-step program to help you recover from the evil influences of too many twelve-step recovery group meetings:

1. Admit that you are powerless over twelve-step meetings -- that your life has become unmanageable. Scream and pass out.

8. Write a letter to Bernanke, humbly begging him to remove all of our shortcomings.

2. Make a decision to give all of your problems to I tay Timmay may, as we understand Him.

2 1/2. Turn your will and your mind over to the care of Santa Claus. They were worthless anyway.

5. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your garage. You won't believe the junk you will find in there.

3. Confess to everyone that you can't trade, you can't read a chart, your butt is too fat, and you have bad breath.

7. Make yourself entirely ready to start a new thread "shots for stocks".

9. Make a list of all of the people you have pissed off.

10. Go piss them off again.

11. Continue to inventory your garage, and when you find that you are hoarding some really useless junk, promptly admit it.

12. Seek, through your cell phone, a psychic hotline. Do whatever the old witch says.

13. Make twenty copies of this letter, put your name at the bottom, and send them to all of your friends.
 
How True!

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican Senator: $100.00
Baked Democrat Senator: $100.00

He called his friend over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!

:) :) :)
 
"Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican Senator: $100.00
Baked Democrat Senator: $100.00"


Yowee! Costs an arm and a leg to eat a politician.
 
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