Jokes 2

Just some advice if ever you're caught in that situation where you take your wife/girlfriend out for a meal and realise just how damn pricey the menu is when you both look at it.

Try this if you dont wanna spend too much..

It worked for me last night....say to her "So, have you decided what you're having to eat my little fat fuck?"

[Edit]
By the way, I'm looking for a new girlfriend.
 
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Quote from nutmeg:

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I went to Google to see if that was real or memorex. It gave me one hit that you did not get. "My girlfriend is too tight." Yes, that's a real subject and there's lots on it. Imagine how spoiled these teenage guys are.
 
Why does the ABA prohibit lawyers from having sex with clients?

To keep clients from being charged twice for basically the same service.
 
Julie Andrews

To commemorate her 69th birthday , the famous actress/vocalist made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used - if you sing it, its especially hysterical:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad...

:) :) :)
 
Japanese man is in an Australian bank when he sees an Australian cashing in 100 American dollars, getting 143 Australian dollars in return. Remembering that he has some American money at home (left over from his last holiday), the Jap returns the next day to the bank to cash his money in.
Jap to teller: "Here is 100 American dollars, please exchange it for Australian dollars".
The teller gives him 133 Australian dollars.
Jap: "What's this? Yesterday you gave an Australian man 143 dollars for the same amount, but now you give me only 133. Why?"
Teller: "Fluctuations".
Jap: "Yeah? Well, fluck you Aussies too!!"
 
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