Jokes 2

Burma Shave Signs

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, 40's and '50's or later. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are some of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

IF KISSIN; WHILE DRIVING
IS YOUR SPORT
THEN TRADE IN YOUR CAR
FOR A DAVENPORT
Burma Shave

FOR ALL THE DRUNKS
WHO DRIVE ON SUNDAY.
FEW LIVE TO DRIVE AGAIN
ON MONDAY
Burma Shave

:) :) :)
 
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"
 
A survey with some very surprising findings was revealed yesterday. A CSS-Quinnipic pole of homosexuals in Canada asked what their attitudes were towards the recently ended US administration of Bush-Cheney.

They found that homosexual men in Canada were very fond of Dick and lesbian women in Canada liked Bush very much.
 
Quote from TGregg:

So who hasn't posted today `cuz they are behind bars (with stinky fingers):

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090519/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_restroom_rampage
More...

Ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

At my Army induction, we're all being processed, and the Vietnam war, not being one of more popular conflicts, drew quite a few normal people who were not above acting a bit strange.

One guy showed up with a purse, but the one that drew the most attention was the guy with a real similarity to Jesus who crapped on the First Sargeant's desk.
 
Quote from nutmeg:

Ya'll probably are glad to hear I got a degree in wheel making, only 359 more to go.
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Bravo! Of course, now, I hope you are hungry, because, to get around the whole thing, 2 pies Are in order!!

(a la Perimeter = 2pR...)

:) :) :)
 
Quote from nutmeg:

I keep going over the things I wish I'd said to my parents before they died.

Things like, "Watch out for that bus."
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Which reminds me one of the funniest short jokes of my favorite comedian, Victor Borge:

"You see this watch?" (points to his watch) "I got it from my beloved uncle Jack... he had it for 50 years... he gave it to me on his deathbed... 20 bucks!!"

:) :) :)
 
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