Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
These classified ads were really put in the paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer. $100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer. $100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything
OK, let's try again:
Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be!
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period, as it marks the end of his sentence.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months and no sundays.
They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.
What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? Condescending.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed.
A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.
Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.
When the man was shot with a BB gun the case ended up in a pellet court.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
The only similarity between ancient times and the 1970's is that both were full of people getting stoned.
Two crooks bought a hotel. They were innmates.
Good burglars are always looking for windows of opportunity.
Old burglars never die - they just steal away.
After the transvestite escaped from prison the only thing the police could tell the press was that she was still a broad.
The warden gave the inmates acne medicine hoping it would keep them from breaking out.
A sign at a cemetery reads, 'No Trespassing, Violators Will Face Grave Charges'.
A road sign at the same cemetery reads, 'Dead End'.
Burglars' motto: "what you seize is what you get."
He threw jello at his wife, who had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
A basketball player and a jockey just robbed the bank. Police are looking high and low.
Looting a drugstore is called "pillaging".
Vandals destroyed as many road signs as they could. They really pulled out all the stops.
A lingerie thief gave a police officer the slip.
A librarian caught stealing had the book thrown at her and was put in a three storey jail.
When a thief stole several volumes from the library he was quickly booked.
Employed by his jailbird father-in-law a guy soon realized that when an inlaw works for an outlaw -- income depends on outcome.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
A clean thief always makes a stainless steal.
All stolen eggs are poached.
Inflammatory talk is often seen as propane language.
Heard This One Today
A guy falls from a 3-story building, but miraculously survives with grave injuries.
A passerby sees him hit the pavement and runs to his aid: "what happened here?" he asks.
"I don't know," the man on the ground groans, looking around and back down again, "I just got here myself!"
A guy falls from a 3-story building, but miraculously survives with grave injuries.
A passerby sees him hit the pavement and runs to his aid: "what happened here?" he asks.
"I don't know," the man on the ground groans, looking around and back down again, "I just got here myself!"
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a financial engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be a politician." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a financial engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be a politician." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."