Jokes 2

Blonde City Girl

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate four of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the first cow's stall in the barn. You show him where those cows are when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the first one... right here ... and those three are the other ones."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde from out of town, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this are the cows to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and shyly, but with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's for you to hang your pants on!"

:) :) :)
 
The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

:) :) :)
 
The Best Salesman

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.

The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.

The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.

The third said he sold a cheap Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.

The other two said, so what?

The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her fifteen hundred pounds of bird seed!!!!!

:) :) :)
 
I thought we won that war. Wasn't this outlawed by the treaty?

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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

‘Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ‘Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?’

‘I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.’

---------------------

ps, fly, the video was funny.
 
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Quote from nutmeg:

A
ps, fly, the video was funny.
More...

It certainly wasn't any "stopping dog humpin'" quality, but I was struck how easily the Japanese are entertained.

I'm going outback right now, to practice spinning plates.

Who's got the balls to send it to Sharpton?
 
Subject: Great lines to make you smile...


1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
1 2.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
 
Oldie But Goodie

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you've got to get them in there first!!

:D
 
a woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivered the bad news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I get away with it?"
 
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