Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Some New Stock Market Terms
· CEO - : Chief Embezzlement Officer
· CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
· BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
· BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
· VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
· P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
· BROKER - What my broker has made me
· STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock
· STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
· FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected
· MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks
· CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
· YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
· WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share
· INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
· PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use
And, last but not least:
· STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell!
· CEO - : Chief Embezzlement Officer
· CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
· BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
· BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
· VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
· P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
· BROKER - What my broker has made me
· STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock
· STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
· FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected
· MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks
· CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
· YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
· WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share
· INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
· PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use
And, last but not least:
· STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell!
Overheard in nyc
Woman to friend: Joe says he weighs 145 but he's a Republican. You can't trust anything he says.
Middle-aged, white man on cell: Do not call me at this number again. Never call me at this number again. Listen, if you call me at this number again I will, in fact, vote for John McCain.
50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.
Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?
Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!
Woman to friend: Joe says he weighs 145 but he's a Republican. You can't trust anything he says.
Middle-aged, white man on cell: Do not call me at this number again. Never call me at this number again. Listen, if you call me at this number again I will, in fact, vote for John McCain.
50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception.
Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?
Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!
Did ya hear people are buying U.S. Treasuries?
Its a flight to quantity.
(I made that one up myself)
Its a flight to quantity.
(I made that one up myself)
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle MeElmo's. She has aroll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle MeElmo's. She has aroll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.