Jokes 2

Dear Nutmeg:

In my neck of the woods, Guatemalans hang around the Home Depot waiting for someone to hire them for the day.

I saw a cute little guy this morning, and I was going to bring him home, dress him like a jockey, and put him on the front lawn. Question. If he's an illegal, can I get in trouble?

Concerned

PS Can posts like this ruin my chance to someday run for President? Thanks.
 
I'm going to be hiring one of these guys pretty soon. I have a small closet I need painted that I can't fit in. Except I haven't seen them at home depot but the 7-11 in the morning looks like the Spanish embassy, but they all seem to have jobs.

The only guys who don't have jobs in this town are the guys my daughters date. How they find these losers is beyond me. All my kids have great work ethic but sheesh they are shit magnets when it comes to guys. Of course, my girls are not tens, but tens fade fast when they open their mouth and start talking.

I just can't knock a guy who is willing to work, they inspire me.
 
Quote from nutmeg:

I'm going to be hiring one of these guys pretty soon. I have a small closet I need painted that I can't fit in. Except I haven't seen them at home depot but the 7-11 in the morning looks like the Spanish embassy, but they all seem to have jobs.

The only guys who don't have jobs in this town are the guys my daughters date. How they find these losers is beyond me. All my kids have great work ethic but sheesh they are shit magnets when it comes to guys. Of course, my girls are not tens, but tens fade fast when they open their mouth and start talking.

I just can't knock a guy who is willing to work, they inspire me.
More...

......but you didnt answer my question. I'm afraid of immigration raiding all the homes with lawn jockies, and hitting the owners with big fines.
 
Quote from flytiger:

......but you didnt answer my question. I'm afraid of immigration raiding all the homes with lawn jockies, and hitting the owners with big fines.
More...

If this ends up in court - decline representation. You should be able to get yourself off.:D
 
Old Cautionary Tale

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

:) :) :)
 
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Waaay ugly: She makes more money than you do.

:) :) :)
 
Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

:) :) :)
 
The Stolen Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?'

:) :) :)
 
His 21st Birthday

All of his life George from Cape Breton, up in Nova Scotia, had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, but you were born in July!"

:) :) :)
 
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