Across the street from my house lived an ugly girl named Paprika. She was not only ugly, she was a smarmy little bitch. I never liked her. She smelled like baby food. Strained peas even.
One day, completely unprovoked, she yelled at me from across the street. She yelled;
"Nutmeg is a PEEEEENISSSSS!"
So I yelled back:
"Paprika is a VAGIIINAAAA!"
Remember, I lived in Utah. Mormons have trouble with nasty words like penis and vagina and this was long before anyone ever used these words outside a laboratory. All the neighbors gasped simultaneously causing a great drop in outside air pressure triggering tornadoes and hurricanes and pulling farts out of every butt for miles. Phones began ringing, newspapers were called. Infants ears were filled with Drano to cleanse them of the filth...
Eventually, Jesus Christ himself appeared to my mother and he said unto her:
"Oregano (that was moms name), your son must be punished for his evil deeds. Take him high upon the mountain and smear him with Paul Newmans tomatoe sauce and light him on fire!"
Luckily, my mom never really did follow the letter of the law. Even more lucky still is that there is no such thing as a talking, floating Jesus. I totally made that whole part up.
What really happened is that for some weird reason, my mom thought that I needed to apologize to this ugly cunt. This was totally out of character for my mom. Mom was usually the one telling everyone to relax.
Stay tuned.....
One day, completely unprovoked, she yelled at me from across the street. She yelled;
"Nutmeg is a PEEEEENISSSSS!"
So I yelled back:
"Paprika is a VAGIIINAAAA!"
Remember, I lived in Utah. Mormons have trouble with nasty words like penis and vagina and this was long before anyone ever used these words outside a laboratory. All the neighbors gasped simultaneously causing a great drop in outside air pressure triggering tornadoes and hurricanes and pulling farts out of every butt for miles. Phones began ringing, newspapers were called. Infants ears were filled with Drano to cleanse them of the filth...
Eventually, Jesus Christ himself appeared to my mother and he said unto her:
"Oregano (that was moms name), your son must be punished for his evil deeds. Take him high upon the mountain and smear him with Paul Newmans tomatoe sauce and light him on fire!"
Luckily, my mom never really did follow the letter of the law. Even more lucky still is that there is no such thing as a talking, floating Jesus. I totally made that whole part up.
What really happened is that for some weird reason, my mom thought that I needed to apologize to this ugly cunt. This was totally out of character for my mom. Mom was usually the one telling everyone to relax.
Stay tuned.....
