Jokes 2

Quote from nutmeg:

hope this hasn't been posted before...
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don't apologize, post away, these guys have no manners, bunch of uncouth heathens, no points are taken off for rposting, spelling doesn't count, moms not here (invaders have stolen her internet) don't matter. No one laughs, this is a sad sad place. It's just me alone in the rain, sometimes:confused:

Thanks for showing up.
More...

I think it's wonderful that they let you people get on the internet. Tell me. Does the Paxil slow down your typing?
 
Quote from VictorS:

hope this hasn't been posted before...

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do for daddy. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy,That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

"And what happened, honey?" He asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on
and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now
she isn't moving at all!'

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause


Longer Pause


Even Longer Pause


Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?"
'No, I think you have the wrong number....... '
More...

Heard it? I wrote it!!!!! Tell me if you've heard that one before. It's the songwriter bit, and I might have put it on the old thread

Actually, "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" made an entire show around that joke, probably, oh 1956. It was excellant. All you see is the fellow talking to the maid, and he offers her a ton of money to kill one of the bed occupants. The viewer, right until the end, doesn't know what happens, and there's something the Maid says, and the guy says, "Is this 1234 Mockingbird Lane?' and he hangs up. Fabulous piece of 20 minute TV.

Don't be afraid of posting anything that's been seen. I've seen most every joke ever written, and I still enjoy seeing other people enjoy them when they post. Besides, Nutmeg wafts in and out of consciousness, so what's the difference. He emptys his drool cup, and moves along....
 
Tell me. Does the Paxil slow down your typing?
------------------------------------

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
 
Dr Stu Nata has many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to laundry.

When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look out for?
A Jeans
B Shirts
C Socks
D Sex

What frightens you most about going into the laundrymat?
A Losing one sock of your favorite pair
B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix
C Spiders
D Sex

What do you use to wash your clothes?
A Bold
B Tide
C Ariel
D Bio-Sex

When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do?
A Walk away and do something else
B Stand and look at it
C Sit and look at it
D Check the price of CYGT on blackberry.

You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of?
A Someone you know
B Coffee
C Driving with Nutmeg
D Sex

If you answered D to most of these questions, stay tuned...
 
"Let's play a little word association game," the doctor said. "I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Plums," said the doctor.

"Breasts," the patient said.

"Oranges."

"Breasts," the patient replied.

"Watermelons."

"Breasts," said the patient.

"CYGT."

"Breasts," the patient said.

"Wait a minute!" the doctor said. "I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and breasts. But, CYGT? Where's the connection?"

"Easy, doc," Timmay explained, "Think breast lift!"
 
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, (he was in the rose garden pulling weeds) the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know - am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "you are what you are!" The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said "you are what you are." St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it, you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?" "Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said "‘sup dawg’, peep this, you be what you be."
 
There are two carabinieri that want to go find some women for hire at the casino. They go and knock on the door when the woman in charge opens the peep hole to see who is there. She says, "cosa volete?" What do you want?

They say that they want to hire a woman and she asks them if they have any money. The first one says that he has five Euro and the second one has three. The woman in charge laughs and sends them away saying something similar to: go satisfy yourselves.

The carabinieri leave and after one half our return to the casino and knock on the door. The woman in charge sees them when she opens the peep hole in the door and says," ancora voi, cosa volete?" you again, what do you want?.

The carabinieri respond in unison, "We came back to pay."
 
Wisdom Of The Ages, Or Something...

1. Try to live every day as if it was your last one; one day you will be successful.
2. Children at the front seat can cause accidents. Accidents at the rear seat can cause children.
3. If you can't help them, bother them. The important thing is to participate.
4. Women who think that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, are aiming a bit too high.
5. If you can smile while everything is going wrong, it is because you have already figured out who to blame.
6. The woman who pays attention to little things is married to a Japanese man.
7. Women are like pools: the maintenance expense is way too high compared to the time we spend inside them.
8. Never, never drink and drive... you may spill the beer!
9. While falling, keep smiling... You haven't reached bottom yet.
10. Bosses are like clouds: when they disappear the day becomes perfect.
11. To err is human. To blame someone else is strategy.
12. Men would lie a lot less if women didn't ask so much.
13. Women marry thinking that they can change him. Men marry thinking that she will never change. They are both dead wrong.
14. Your entire future depends on your dreams. So, don't waste any time: go back to sleep!
15. Smart people always doubt (...I'm not sure about this one...)
16. If all the good things in life lasted only a short time, many of us should have died already! :D
 
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