Jokes 2

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some
deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she then would have asked 'about what?'.
At that poin
t I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various
topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a
guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and
even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for
my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
=
 
The Diceman is goneth.

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Let's Piss Off Everyone

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there
and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your
will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about
the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it
eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said,
'Nope, you're still black'.

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man
passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this
morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father
O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last
ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks
back up and shouts back. You're in a basket!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the
curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know
they wanted the name of a country?


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT
the correct answers.


I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing
everyone off is a piece of cake
 
Free Sex With Fill Up

A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
 
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