Jokes 2

Subject: English Lesson

English is a truly expressive tongue!

This is the most Interesting English lesson I have seen yet.Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells:

"Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking twits and take those other towel-head, hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?
 
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Amazing, Simple Home Remedies. These will work.




THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked these out on Snopes and they are for real!AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH..


6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


THOUGHT for the day:


SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:

NEVER,UNDER ANY

CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT.


"Life is a precious gift, enjoy it while you can. Life is a coin, you can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once"
 
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced with a frown. He said, "but that's impossible... we could never do it... Yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.

He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
 
gwb-trading said:
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
More...

There is life down there Jim, but not as we know it.
 
Dr. Seuss On the Golden Years

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh My, What can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?

My body's drooping
I have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!!

(btw, this is not for me, ...)

:D
 
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