SCHOOL DAY
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" asks the principal. "We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right." "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?" "Sure. This is my father!"
THIRTY DOLLARS
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" "A hundred dollars." "####," the guy says, "all I've got is thirty." "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?" "You can use your hand," Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for 30 dollars is manual satisfaction. He agrees, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply huge male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy 70 bucks?"
FIVE SECRETS
Guys, here are five relationship secrets guaranteed to make you happy.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
INHERITED
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized sexual organs. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated pen-ises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have pen-ises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
PRACTICING
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For hells sake, Johnny, can't you play something this **** dog doesn't know?"
ONE OF US
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
CHEATING AT POKER
A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work.
There was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge.
As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other.
One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table.
The dealer of the group looked flabbergasted and uttered, "Hey, hold on a minute, Luke here is cheating.
He's not playing the cards I dealt him!"
iBOOB
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE ........I'M BROKE!!!!
>A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
>confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
>"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
>of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
>high-powered vacuum cleaners."
>
>"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
>and she proceeded to close the door.
>
>Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "N ot until you have at least
>seen my demonstration."
>
>And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway
>carpet.
>
>"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
>from your carpet, Madam, I wi ll personally eat the remainder.
>
>The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good
>appetite, because they cut off my electricity this mo rning."
THE CLOCK
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Darn clock always was slow."
