Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Epitaphs (Cont'd)
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
Here lies John Strange
An honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Here lies Ellen Shannon
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Here lies Peter Eager
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Worked on elevators.
Looked up the shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102.
The good die young.
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Here lies an Atheist
Jonathan Roe
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
Here lies John Strange
An honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Here lies Ellen Shannon
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Here lies Peter Eager
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Worked on elevators.
Looked up the shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102.
The good die young.
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Here lies an Atheist
Jonathan Roe
All dressed up
And no place to go.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30, after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
I just want you guys to know that I am drinking some of the most powerful beer available, and you are hilarious!
(It's 8.7%...but you would still be great without it.)
PS,, sorry if already posted, but Scat, here is the first "start a fight" joke I have heard:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been in intensive care since Friday.
(It's 8.7%...but you would still be great without it.)
PS,, sorry if already posted, but Scat, here is the first "start a fight" joke I have heard:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been in intensive care since Friday.
Good one!
