Jokes 2

Difference between an Italian Grandmother and an elephant?
fifty pounds and a black dress.


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she
wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like
a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They allstared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous : tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt…..one button at a
time. ……
No one moves. ……
He removes his shirt. …….
Muscles ripple across his chest. …..
She gasps………..
He whispers: …….
“Iron this, and get me something to eat….”


An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Ay!! These are for the wake."

Italian girl walking down the street w/a pig under her arm. Guys says, "Hey, wheredya get the pig?"

Pig says, "I won her in a raffle."


Guy gave his Italian girlfriend a vibrator for her birthday. She chipped a tooth.

Bada bing. ayee I"m killing me here. Bada boom.
 
"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

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My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."

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To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

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Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

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A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

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My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"

Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

He replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
 
Meanwhile, back at the nutmeg thorobred polish american ranch. This Polack was passing a farm and noticed an outhouse. He stopped and asked the farmer if his "cabin" is for rent. The farmer nodded his head and said "yes" and rented the outhouse to the polack.

Everything is fine, Stosh is moving his things in and after a few days the farmer noticed a tv antennae on the roof. About a week later, the farmer noticed another tv antennae on the roof. The farmer stopped by and asked Stosh, "I noticed there was a tv antennae on the roof last week and now there is another one".

Stosh replied, "My brother moved into the basement".
 
different outhouse same guys though.

Stosh went to use an outhouse and when he opened the door noticed his brother poking around "down there" with a stick. He said "What the heck you doing". He said " I dropped my coat down in the hole and I'm trying to get it out." "It's not going to be any good now", said Stosh. "Yea I know, but my sandwich was in the pocket".
 
How to start each day with a positive outlook

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi



Note: This works just as well with the Republicans of your choice.

:D :D
 
Old But Funny

This blonde is complaining of pain. "You have to help me, Doctor, I hurt all over!"

"What do you mean, all over? Be a little more specific."

She touched her right knee and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then her left cheek, "Ouch! that hurts, too... and THAT one..." On and on, all over her body.

"See, my dear, you have a broken finger!"

:) :) :)
 
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of
her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill
herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly;
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact
location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast. Why
do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The
woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
snoring loudly. The woman
thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were .. or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and
second place.
 
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