Steps to Overcome the Habit of Lying and Become Trustworthy Again
Recovery is hard. It requires intense and difficult soul-searching and facing one’s most shameful feelings. But it is worth it. One of the first steps toward recovery is to recognize that shame and guilt and other negative character traits are not qualities that are unique to addicts. Such obstacles are in all of us, and it is simply the job of adulthood to address them and¬¬ – rather than try to eliminate them – to integrate these “shadow parts” into our larger personalities. In the same way, we often need to recognize that we will never fulfill the internal images of our “idealized selves” (the failure of which is the source of much of our shame and guilt). These unrealistic counterparts to our shadow selves must also be integrated so that the real self, that lies somewhere in between, can emerge. Recovery requires calling a truce in the war between our idealized selves and our shadow selves.
Recovery requires calling a truce in the war between our idealized selves and our shadow selves.
-RITA MILIOS
This is where a 12-step program can help. Step 1 is about recognizing the need to align with, and ask for assistance from, something higher than the personality part that you are currently aligned with. Calling on a Higher Power (God, your own higher nature, your soul part) allows you to define yourself as someone who has this positive aspect, but not in a self-centered, egotistical way as viewed by the idealized self. It aligns you to a greater Will, which has not only your own, but the good of all, as its agenda. Then you can begin to dissolve your shame and restore your faith in your own innate goodness.
Next, act on your commitment to change:
Admit that you have a problem with lying. As long as you are in denial, you won’t stop lying.
Be accountable to someone. Talk to a friend, a counselor, or a 12-step sponsor and commit to being completely truthful with them.
Consider the consequences. Sooner or later, your lies will be exposed, and you risk losing people’s trust and friendship. But by admitting your lies and committing to positive change, it is more likely that you will be given a second chance to repair broken trusts.
Journal. When you lie, reflect on the reasons for your lies. Become aware of automatic, habituated, irrational thoughts. Then consider alternate, more positive choices that will help you meet your emotional needs with honesty and honor.
Set positive, life-enhancing goals and make concrete plans to work toward these. Give yourself something to be genuinely proud of yourself about, so that lies and deceptive, pretentious ego-boosts are no longer necessary in your life.