I just remember I was so mentally shot at many times, after awhile I was laughing hysterically when I lose, I'd gone to work and just laugh my ass off. I'd tell my co-workers I had another losing day and burst out laughing, they always thought I had a good day, for years they thought I was doing well cause I was so miserable laughing. I don't know even to this day why I couldn't turn it off, but it seemed to make other people happy, so something good came out of my losing horrible. Those were the years though I was so far dejected. Glad that is over, I forced myself to work smarter then harder. one guy in my group been losing for thirty years, he told me as he was sobbing yesterday he thinks he can do it now, I hope so as I know and understand those feeling of despair very well. Memories I wish I never had.