Frequency of discussing wins/losses with spouse/partner

J

JangoFolly

My wife is encouraging about my daily trading, and, academically, she understands that losing is as much a part of the game as winning; however, in reality she gets wildly enthusiastic about wins and gets a crazy panicked look in her eyes over losses (I have a successful full-time, non-trading job, so we don’t depend on my P&L or trading money to make ends meet). She asks me several times each day in a friendly and optimistic way if I have any trades on and how they are going. We are honest with each other about money, so when she asks I tell her. Even on a winning day, her crazy reaction over one loss rubs off on me and sometimes screws up my trading mojo for the day. I am curious to know how frequently you discuss your wins and losses with your significant other, and if there’s any particular strategy you employ. I’m getting better about focusing on the trade of the moment, so I don’t want to tell her that I’ll let her know daily, weekly, etc. how my P&L is doing; I don’t want to become distracted from the moment by trying to “make my numbers” each period (maybe you prop shop guys have some insight here).

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.


Regards,
 
I've thought about what I'd do if I ever started trading full time and I think I'd explain to her that she can't question me on a daily basis cause it would cause the exact fears/concerns that you are talking about.. this will probably be hard for them to understand.

I would think maybe a weekly update would suffice or if she really needs to know on a daily basis but at the end of the day and definitely not during the trading day..
 
Interesting subject.

I think talk regarding your job should be minimal. Trading is not a normal job and emotions can carry over to your personal life.

When/if I get married trading talk will be kept to a minimum. Emotions regarding my wins/loss will be almost zero.

I have not reached this stage as of yet. The ride so far has been filled with many ups and downs. But with time, I notice that I am becoming less and less emotional.

ozzy
 
Quote from ozzy:

But with time, I notice that I am becoming less and less emotional.

ozzy
More...
Glad I'm not the only one..

Its taken me 3 or 4 years to minimize the emotions.. and I still have plenty of work to do on them.

Good Luck Oz
 
I don't know if you guys have read discussions about trading other peoples money. The problem with OPM normally boils down to their difficulty with the ups and downs of trading.

Partners are other people. Whats worse, if you've been together a while they know you well and you can't put a professional front on them. They may also be more emotional than you are.

So we don't discuss individual trades. Every week or two we may sit down at a cafe and discuss how its going in business terms and that satisfies the need to know whats happening. Even if the period is a bit of a slump it doesnt have the same emotional impact as trading.

My suggestion:
- explain to your partner that you get too emotionally involved (your fault) if you talk about individual trades and that makes you trade poorly.
- suggest a periodic chat, preferably in an enjoyable circumstance and early in the weekend to avoid carry over if its a difficult chat. You could even bring out a list of the last 50 trades ... a statistical view helps improve emotional understanding.
- keep the daily report to "going ok" or "sticking to the plan" or even "pleased with my discipline" .... but process focussed rather than outcome focussed.

My 2c :)
 
Quote from JangoFolly:

My wife is encouraging about my daily trading, and, academically, she understands that losing is as much a part of the game as winning; however, in reality she gets wildly enthusiastic about wins and gets a crazy panicked look in her eyes over losses (I have a successful full-time, non-trading job, so we don’t depend on my P&L or trading money to make ends meet). She asks me several times each day in a friendly and optimistic way if I have any trades on and how they are going. We are honest with each other about money, so when she asks I tell her. Even on a winning day, her crazy reaction over one loss rubs off on me and sometimes screws up my trading mojo for the day. I am curious to know how frequently you discuss your wins and losses with your significant other, and if there’s any particular strategy you employ. I’m getting better about focusing on the trade of the moment, so I don’t want to tell her that I’ll let her know daily, weekly, etc. how my P&L is doing; I don’t want to become distracted from the moment by trying to “make my numbers” each period (maybe you prop shop guys have some insight here).

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.


Regards,
More...

Frankly, you both seem somewhat emotional. She because she is overly worked up either way about your trades. And you because she gets worked up, such that it ruins your day. LOL!

I've found that women often are more "security" oriented. Men seem to be more risk-taking. Hope that doesn't offend anyone. But because of this you need to spend time "educating" your wife. She seemed reasonable from your description, and the fact that you are honest with each other is helpful. Why not explain the problem? Explain that when she overreacts either way, that it works you up too, which ends up impacting trading.

Hopefully though you aren't expecting her to restrain her communication about the trading, while you ramble on whenever you choose about it. That wouldn't sound fair either.

I think women get comfortable when they realize they can count on you to make money. I like to discuss trading with my wife. It's what I do. I've been doing this so long she's not emotionally involved about it at all. She knows there are good days and bad. I like to use her as a sounding board. I probably talk about trading with her every day.

In recent years she's been doing some trading herself. I think it's harder for me to not interfere than it is for her.

I think explaining the problem with overreacting emotionally will work with your wife....she sounds reasonable.

OldTrader
 
Most job get paid monthly, bi monthly or monthly. When discussing with your wife never discuss every day or it will screw you psychology up. If mine ever asks at the end of the day, I simply state, I planned my trade, traded my plan and did the best that I could do for the day. The problem is for those who have not disconnected the emotion frothe money is that the spouse can usually tell from you actions if you were up or down for the day, but a really good woman will read you and know not to question you so much.
 
I tell my wife how I'm doing every day. It's been this way for years now. Over time she became as numb to the numbers as me. On a good day I get "good job", and on a bad day I get "sorry, tomorrow will be better". The only exception is when I have a rare really bad day and I mention it to her, she just says "don't tell me how much, I don't want to know".

Your sig others will get used to it over time, just keep them informed.
 
Quote from kiwi_trader:


So we don't discuss individual trades. Every week or two we may sit down at a cafe and discuss how its going in business terms and that satisfies the need to know whats happening. Even if the period is a bit of a slump it doesnt have the same emotional impact as trading.

My suggestion:
- keep the daily report to "going ok" or "sticking to the plan" or even "pleased with my discipline" .... but process focussed rather than outcome focussed.

My 2c :)
More...

This is about where we have come to.

It has taken me quite a long time to not carry the emotions home - so to speak - and let them interfere with both trading and the home life.

My wife rarely asks how the trading is going and I rarely offer any detailed information. It has kept peace over my trading.

I opened a self directed IRA and we discuss that more than my trading.

Make 'em pretty, Chris
 
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