HIT LIST MOMENT:
http://hitmantb.tripod.com/
The game that boiled my blood and stopped my bleeding.
From: Hitman (Original Message)
Sent: 12/15/2000 6:17 PM
It was the most emotional session in my career.
At lunch time, I was down as much as $90, by the day end, I am up $55, 300 shares is quite a bit more stress for me, and I just traded and traded and traded.
I am serious considering "no shorts", because shorting in classic day trading is very difficult for me. The cursed uptick rule is killing me. Let's start off by saying that I timed the rally in the afternoon with absolute perfection, but judging by my account balance you can tell that at 300 shares, I probably didn't take advantage of it. I didn't trade EMC today, that was the biggest mistake of the session. The stock glued with futures and you could have traded this one over and over again and made a boat load of money.
I tried very hard to make money off JBL, unfortunately this stock was under some heavy pressure this afternoon, even with futures blazing, I was unable to make any money off it. Same with STM, wrong place, wrong time, at the first sign of a futures move you want to go with largest caps namely tier one stocks.
Fortunately, I was able to score 1/2 point on SFA and 1/4 point on IBM, in the morning I went light, in the afternoon I traded exclusively 300 shares so I was able to end the day in the green. Had a roller coaster of a trade in IBM, there was a sell imbalance on the stock, but instead of shorting the stock, I saw the support at 57 3/8 and the stock fell 2 and 1/2 point to that level, futures is still tanking, but I didn't care, I have been killed before playing imbalances, when the release came out most of the selling is already done, and those who don't understand the rule of the game will be in for a painful short squeeze if they short the stock. I saw the squeeze coming and jumped in, but at 3:50 a second sell imbalance came out, ended up making a 1/8 point after being 1/4 point out of the money with 5 minutes left in the game, very fortunate because buyers stepped up as I expected.
Up $206.25 before commissions, up $55 after, things are looking better. My benchmark guy just completed his first winning week, he is up $400 for the week I think, and down $11K overall, with this win I am again sitting on a 3 games winning streak (although even with all 3 combined, I only made $120, and I lost $170 and $360 on each losing days this week).
Still, with more volatile stocks, and 300 shares, next week I should step up. I am very happy about the way today's session went, you will understand why after you read the editorial on my new thread.
Each journal should start with a non-trading related editorial, because if you have been following my journals, you know that there is something out there that motivates me more than all the diamonds in the world.
The day started like another trading day, had my morning coffee, came to work a bit late, didn't do morning research, just followed my watch list, by 11AM, I was down $90.
Then I caller her cellular phone, the most compact Motorola V8 series that I gift wrapped in a birthday cake made of fresh flowers, I heard her sweet voice, and I felt I was re-vitalized. I asked her if she wants to go to dinner tonight, and she said she is leaving school early, and no . . .
Then she told me something that I knew all along that she is capable of, something I saw in her that perhaps no one else have seen until now . . . She just won Chinese American modeling contest 2000, first place, and she is leaving for Hong Kong for one month in New Year to compete internationally.
I knew this will happen, I knew she had the potential, I told her she can do it no matter how many times she said she couldn't, and I should be extremely happy for this to happen, but something deep in my heart told me that perhaps, this is the beginning of the a shinning career, that perhaps, she will truly be the moon and stars, that when it is all over, I may never have what it takes to win her even if I succeed in my trading career . . . Even if she doesn't win the international competition, what she did here will indeed bring her exposure and tons of exciting new opportunities.
I am happy for her, I truly madly deeply am happy for her, one hundred percent . . . this is what I wanted to see all along, someone I hold as the most beautiful woman in the world, winning a modeling contest, yet I don't know if I will ever be good enough for her anymore . . .
It was a very funny feeling, I know I am happy, but behind my happiness, there is a feeling of inferiority. I wonder if I am even qualified to help her later down the road. Did I give her confidence when she needed it? Will she ever need me again?
I started to type today's trading journal, my eyes are a bit wet, I feel like the farmer boy again, I feel like the frog again . . . I type at a 60 WPM clip and my mind was not in the journal. All of a sudden, the senior trader next to me yelled at me and asked me what am I doing . . .
I looked at him, he is the most senior trader in my firm with 4 and 1/2 years of experience, he trades slow stocks and the recent market volatility has created a long losing streak for him, the coldest streak of the year.
"I am doing my trading journal." I wasn't looking into his eyes, I was almost frozen, I don't know what happened, I can't describe it, but I was in another world. Normally, I am always pay him a tons of respect and always sugar coat every word but today, the mask was off.
"Can't you do it after the close? It is bothering me!"
"I am typing and doing my own stuff."
"Why are you typing? You should be trading!"
"I don't trade during lunch time, you can lost a lot money trading during lunch hours."
"Are you trying to tell me how to trade?" He stood up, over the last a couple of days he uncharacteristically traded a few very volatile stocks, and I made better calls than he did. Yesterday he went long on AOL after the news release and I told him the best thing to do was to short the stock after it peaks, and I was right.
"No, but I am doing my own stuff."
"If I don't like what you are doing, you better stop or you will be out of here!" A senior trader always possesses the right to move new traders to other areas if they are being bothered. Ironically, this is the guy who I asked to be my mentor if you remember the journal from a few weeks ago. I lost all of my senses as I continued to type. He stood up.
"Do this after 4PM, if you don't stop I am going to break your computer!" He was seriously smoked to day, back then when he was making money and I am typing my journal, he would joke that I am a typist not a trader. If I retained any senses, I would have backed off, but my mind was in another world, thinking about her, and the feeling of inferiority, feeling of being not as good as what she wants, devoured me.
"I am going to finish this journal." He stepped in my face, he used to have a black belt in Karate, but years of trading put his body completely out of shape, but there was something I fear a lot more in my mind, and it wasn't him. I am fire and ice, when I think of her, the passion burns within me, when I am dealing with enemies, I am calm and cold as ice.
I turned to face him, my eyes stared into his, and he screamed, took my mouse and tossed it hard against my monitor, others in the room were shocked by what happened, and a one year trader stood up and stepped between us and told me to go take a break. I went to men's room and poured cold water over my face, and that trader came in and told me that I should respect the senior guy, he is very patient, he never saw him go off like that . . .
Come to think of it, at my past job I also made a few very nice guys go off . . . However, I told him something that I truly believed this time . . .
"It wasn't my fault."
We never spoke again, and rest of the room never spoke to me again, clearly, no one would take my side or even befriend me in fear of that 4 year veteran, and I am all alone . . .
But I won't be, by next week, I will most likely be moved to a different area, this happens every day in my firm, people don't get along with each other and asked to be moved to different areas . . . Even if I won't be moved, I will never be alone, she is deep within my heart, she is with me, every second of my life . . .
I didn't know if I should have stayed and traded the afternoon session, emotion filled my veins, I have never been so emotional, every nerve in my body pulled like a tight bow string, and they say emotion is never good for trading. I couldn't eat my lunch, I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to go home, for a second I even wanted to quit everything I am doing and just live a normal life of college, job, marriage, kids . . . From my eyes, they could see my fears, but they didn't know that there wasn't any one in this firm whom I fear . . . I was scared, I was dead scared, of something else . . .
I didn't know if I will survive this career when I left my last job, I didn't know if I will ever have a chance with her when I pursued her . . .
Then, the tower of iron will returned, and I finished the afternoon session strong.
I don't know if I will ever be a successful trader after two months of losses, I don't know if I will ever be her husband after two years of fruitless pursuing, I have nothing to offer her at this time . . .
Yet I still have my will, the will that will keep my chin up under ANY circumstances . . .
Yet I still have my love, the love that will make me love her no matter what she does . . .
Until my dying day, what ever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will do my very best and wait for the sweetest moment of my life . . . will it come?
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