He won't borrow. That's nice. That sound you hear? That sound is my mofo'ing head exploding.

You will NEVER get a decent price in a thin option chain with spreads that wide. Dude, you need order flow to make this work so you can buy on the bid or sell on the offer. No market maker is going to middle that spread and trade at fair value.
How does order flow allow one to buy on the bid and sell at the ask?