Went to bed early. Woke up wide awake at 1am.
Had lots of thoughts running through my head.
How did I get here? Could I have done anything to avoid being laid off? About the old job....why didn't I notice there were no 50 year old guys that weren't execs working there? How can a guy be unemployable in the corporate world at 40? Will I be living in a cardboard box at 70? How could I have been a nice guy for so many years? If I had saved more and invested in the early 90's, I could've been retired by now.
Replayed some moments in my life. Like the week after I was laid off and my mother-in-law came to visit. Overheard her whispering to my wife in the kitchen, "...see? I told you he'd never make it in business...". Nevermind the calls to my 80 something year old mom, "you're lazy...go sell cars or something". Yeah, working on a car company strategy to increase market share 1% has alot to do with "Mrs. Jones, how about this nice white car with this synthetic leather interior? We'll throw in the fuzzy dice for your son, Clyde".
Also replayed times when I helped others like my older sister when her and her husbands farm was in trouble. Paid her monthly bills for over a year and put her oldest kid through college. Now? She's afraid I'll ask for money, so she screens my calls and sends them to her answering machine. Haven't spoken to her in over a year.
Or about the time I helped my other sister during her ugly divorce. Took a week off from work to stay with her while her locks were changed and a security system was installed. Payed off all her credit card bills and sent her checks monthly to help her out. After the settlement and her house was sold she went out and built a new house and furnished it with new stuff. Never repaid me for anything. Now? I call for moral support and she tells me I'm bringing her down. "Please don't call anymore".... and she's a Psychologist!
Also had the feeling that I'm missing something in my trading approach. "It can't be this easy, because if it was, everybody would be doing it". Can't help but think I must be curvefitting the data to my needs and fooling myself. The data is probably completely random and all the work I've done will fall apart any day now. Somehow, I've been mining fools gold (paperprofits). The real stuff will never end up in my pocket.
Also realized that all my preparation was really a way of putting off doing the real thing. If I never trade with REAL money I'll always be a winner....nothing put on the line....no feelings of stupidity to confont if I lose.
After a few hours of this, I went in the bathroom and covered my face with a towel. Had a non-manly cry.
I know this is all psychological. When I'm fully awake I don't give these thoughts any time to take root. Hopefully, after I'm trading live...they'll subside or go away completely. I wish I could just flip the "off" switch in my brain. Sometimes I think way too much.
Thanks for listening....I guess this is just part of the journey....