Nah, just basic troubleshooting ability. For your fleshlight, it's most likely the batteries. For your Kleenex box and Vaseline, it's the empty state that should be a clue.
Indulge me if you will... what is it about unarmed morons who just can't resist trying to enter a battle of wits? Is it just masochism on your part plus a lack of courage to find someone local dressed in black latex and wielding a whip and a dildo? I mean, I get the continuation - once I've stepped on your pitiful little ego, you just can't resist knee-jerking and piping up - but what's the initial impetus? Is it some mental disease that you all share? I'd be willing to write it up for the next version of the DSM. Don't worry, I'll just refer to you as "worthless slave" - that should add to the burn nicely.