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In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into...

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer? 2. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that...

Ten simple rules for dating my daughter... Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at...

British Letter of Complaint to ISP ((What follows is an example of British humour in a complaint letter sent to a British ISP. It suggests three things: 1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable or alarm companies (NTL is a cable operator in...

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a...

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after...

A student nurse was quite excited, because she was going to give her first injection. Her patient was an elderly gentleman in need of his insulin medication. She carefully drew up the insulin into the syringe, and, remembering what she had learned, lifted his hospital gown discretely and...

"Is that your final answer?"

Football player’s wife: “I hate it when my husband calls leftovers ‘replays.’” TV executive’s wife: “My husband calls them ‘reruns.’” Mortician’s wife: “Be thankful. My husband refers to them as ‘remains.’”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 - the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and...

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I...

Children 1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. 3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like...

Baseball in Heaven Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen...

How To Shoot A Bear On Your Roof A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of...

Part 2 . . . . . Lactomangulation... Manhandling the "open here" spout on a mile container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. Leftbank... What the robber did when his bag was full of money. Liability… A talent for telling untruths. Magaseen... The ancient...

Not Found In The Dictionary - Part 1 404… Someone who’s clueless - quite possibly a moroff. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. Accordionated... Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time...

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was...

Gene had just finished his first shot on the ninth hole at the Northview Gold Club in Surrey and was approaching his second shot when he heard a noise in the nearby bushes. Not having seen any golfers previously playing before him, he thought that perhaps another golfer was having a “rest...

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named...