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"Hey Sweetie, could you blow up Nutmeg's action figure pool toy again please while I finish rollin his birthday doobie??'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is...

The Homeless Man's Funeral Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. (Okay that chit outoftheway-) As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at...

Yesterday my daughter, again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and...

Oldie but still goodie - According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone...

This ad may have come from deep in the archive bowels of ET... I can relate some. All I seem to get are these queries: "You still have that "thingy mah jiggly" for sale?? and thats it. Looking for the right come back if you guys have any suggestions short of; fuck yeah, so now what...

How to protect your watermelon patch!

Indiana is for me even if Idaho Maine bitch.

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of Snow White has been put on hold . All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho". They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work" when their better...

Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.

Woman's Demerit System All married men will attest to some reality in this Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a...

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.'...

Martin Luther King, "I have a dream" Barack Obama, "I have the executive order"

Its funny that we actually seem to need this lesson nowadays. http://isil.org/resources/introduction.swf A basic lesson not taught in schools is truly a sad and a comical irony.

Bill Clinton was named the “Father of the Year” by the National Father’s Day Council on Wednesday. Now that his daughter is an adult. But when she was - well hell, you know where its going to go.

Resl funnty shuttttt

I heard Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. (he's such a honey badger)

The Past, Present and Future walk into a bar... Ah... Is this tense enough?

The Communist Chinese government, via its state-run media front Xinhua, has called for Americans to be disarmed, arguing that the Sandy Hook school massacre demands “no delay for U.S. gun control.” Indeed, it was Mao himself who said “political power grows out of the barrel of a...

This is so right....(1:55) Cat-Friend vs Dog-Friend http://youtu.be/GbycvPwr1Wg