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Nutmeg, you know how to stick to the matter at hand..... :D

I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her...

Flytiger, you think this is funny? Photos of torture victims? Dude, you have serious issues. UGH. :( :mad: :confused:

How to start each day with a positive outlook 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel...

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out. "I'm here to put...

A Woman's Poem He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white...

Abstinence A woman tells her boyfriend, "You know I am saving myself until we are married!" He begs her, "How about I just put the head in for a while? Just let me marinate the head a little." She reluctantly agrees, if it's only the head. So he proceeds to put the head in and that's...

An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some Thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day...

A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock. "Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you." Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the...

Top 12 country songs for 2006 12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine. 11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day. 10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well. 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind...

Top 10 pirate pick-up lines 10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly? 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm? 8. Come on up and see me urchins. 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you. 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no...

Tennessee drinking rules A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his...

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves;) YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF... ...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all,"...

Jesus and some friends An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a...

This is not exactly a joke...but it is weird. And you thought you were having a bad day.... Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with...

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work 1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it...