Search results

a little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. she runs to her mum and says: "mummy today at school we learnt how to count. well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! it's good, innit?" "yes, darling, very good." answers the...

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the club circuit. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes...

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped...

What's the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an engineer? The optimist says the bottle is half full, the pessimist says it's half empty. The engineering department takes one look at the bottle ans says, "Yo...will someone PLEASE call manufacturing and tell those idiots over...

Didja hear about the guy who had a fifth on the fourth, and he couldn't come forth on the fifth?

I remember a Japanese guy out in California last year whose business was giving flying lessons. His business card read: Fright Instructor :eek:

Corporate Logic He who works a lot makes many errors. He who works little makes few errors. He who does no work makes no errors. He who makes no errors gets the promotion.

New Dog Cross Breeds: Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese +...

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a...

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners...

You know what's the problem with this country's oil supply? It's not that we're running low, it's just that we have no way of measuring our reserves. The oil is located in California, Texas and Oklahoma, but all the dipsticks are in Washington DC.

Actually there are three stages of married sex: 1) Tri-weekly 2) Try weekly 3) Try weakly

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the...

The only purpose of the whole program is that dead people don't pay taxes. The gov't doesn't give a solitary shit about your life otherwise.

Today's groaner: A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Subject: A salesman to beat all salesmen A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in...

The last one locked me out after the drop dead date, then when I upgraded I lost all my settings. I'm starting to look forward to these mandatory upgrade dates like a prostate exam.

http://www.mbm30.org/Mike/GasolineSign.jpg

- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. - Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. - And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. - It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. - Avoid cliches like the plague. - Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. - Be more or...