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Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Jimmy: “How did you get here?” Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?” Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to...

Over the past couple of years I've enjoyed reading people's journals on this forum - and so I've decided to try posting some of my swing trades. Hopefully, this will be informative, will spark some interesting discussions and not take too much additional time :) The main part of my trading...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take...

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect...

TMT, I'm glad you do... after all, I'm sure you've heard this old saying about flattery and imitation, right? I've sent around some of these jokes too! :) :) :)

He hasn't spoken to his wife for about a month now - he just doesn''t want to interrupt her... Their last fight was his fault: she asked "what's on TV?" and he said "dust!" Someone posted an ad: "looking for a wife." Next day he received hundreds of responses, all saying, more or less...

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" The man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's...

howellpar, Thanks - laughter is part of my trading system! :) :) :)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman... I was just sitting there and she came onto me, no questions asked!" "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a chap below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I didn't know where he was and now I don't know where I am." The man on the...

For some people, following a balanced diet means holding a cheeseburger of equal size in each hand... :) :) :)

... It was coming up very fast... Panicked, Oscar bypassed his Catholic upbringing and remembered what he had just learned at the local community college, at the class on zen buddism that was taught by that gorgeous brunette: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!!!" he yelled out loud. Two seconds...

... It was coming up very fast... Panicked, Oscar remembered his Catholic upbringing and called out very loud: Saint Francis help!!! Right away, a giant soft hand appeared out of nowhere and held him steady, two miles above the ground.... while a faraway voice spoke in his ear: "Do you...

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you...

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10...

ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't...

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, it's a deal. But if you get home before I do, please leave the hall lights on. :) :) :)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen over. These two guys go out on the lake with...

11. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 10. Life is sexually transmitted. 9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for...

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The...