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REAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE...

The What??? Luke Skywalker and ObiWan sit down to dinner. Within nanoseconds, Luke is devouring everything, as fast as he can. ObiWan waits a few seconds and then, in his very wise voice, whispers: "Use the fork, Luke, use the fooork!" :) :) :)

A Truly Irate Customer Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be killed, skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is...

A Funny Oldie - Heaven and Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get...

A SENIOR MOMENT A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my...

Those City Folk Two men from the city were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep...

The Ultimate DogFight Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest...

The Examination A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed...

Three Oldies/Goodies A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be...

Good Thinking A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights...

You always pass failure on the way to success. (Mickey Rooney) Never walk away from failure. On the contrary, study it carefully -- and imaginatively -- for its hidden assets. (Michael Korda) :) :) :)

English Hospitality An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he...

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but...

The Good Brother A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies...

Horsing Around A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a spatula. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week...

Farmer Joe's Day In Court Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe...

There's A Lot To Be Said About Marital Bliss! A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position...

George Burns Quotes Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. By the time you're eighty years old you've learned...

Mark Twain Quotes A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give...

Smart Word Plays Cont'd The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee: (n.): the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.)...