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CONFUSED A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window...

Celebrity Virus Attacks. . .. The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard...

Subject: France "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S...

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I'd have to give up drinking beer. I wasn't really a big drinker anyway; maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day, when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________ OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production...

Re-Training a Nun. . . . Sister Mary Margaret had been a nun all her life when she was finally called to her final reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Mary Margaret. Not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the...

Politically Correct: Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore.. " HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "WOMEN"...

If it ain't one Dick, it's another. . . .

Subject: Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain ...very politically incorrect.... It didn't take long for these to come out: HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE, HE GRITS POLESMOKE THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID THE MAN...

Cheney for King WASHINGTON, D.C. - A White House source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say "All Americans have...

Deaf Bookeepr and Selectively Mute Lawyer A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf...

Chili cook-off Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even more humorous. For those of you who have ever had real Texas chilli, you will not be inclined to question the authenticity of this story. They...

Golf's Worst Foursome 1. MONICA LEWINSKI 2. O. J. SIMPSON 3. TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this! 1. MONICA IS A HOOKER 2. O. J. IS A SLICER 3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND.. 4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Trading Golfing Tips (keep the S.& P.) Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If...

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's virgin daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then...

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a...

TO Option-007 On choosing women - I haven't laughed so hard in days!!! Thanks.

The Young Gunfighter In the days of the Wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong...

Thanks Yannis - figured we had to allow for 'Equal Time'. . .. Quick Joke: A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so...

Carlin's Views: Subject: Fw: GeorgeCarlin 2006 Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing...