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"Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work!" Thomas A. Edison :) :) :)

Hombre, Just out of curiosity, did you get an adequate answer to your question, or would you like to repeat it?

"Life is not a long journey to the grave with the intention of arriving on time, serious and safe, in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to suddenly skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, laughing our heads off and loudly proclaiming: WOW.... WHAT A RIDE!!!"...

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That's what I like to see,” said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.” As he was walking away, one of the locals remarked to the other, “Well, he...

It was opening night at the Orpheum, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff and the theater was packed with a standing room only crowd. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite...

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled...

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self...

A Czech goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" he asks. "Read?" the Czech replies, "I even know the guy!" :) :) :)

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A...

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water...

Thanks howellpar, I tried to become a serious person and stop the jokes, but it didn't take... :) :) :)

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the...

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You simply cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie"...

At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution in 1787, a Scottish history professor by the name of Professor Alexander Tyler had this to say about "The Fall of the Athenian Republic" over 2,000 years previous to that date: "A democracy cannot exist as a permanent...

Bobby-Joe staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that...

I took their 3-day seminar a couple of years ago and liked it very much. When I bought their video tapes later (I think I have all 7 of them) I liked them even better - imo, Velez and Capra do know how to trade and how to teach it! Then, I traded via their brokerage at the time, The...

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “Apparently, sir, you are not eating properly.” :) :) :)

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was! :) :) :)

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other...