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Creative Writing 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"...

Dealing With Problems A guy is sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast and reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him hard on the back of the head with a frying pan. He gets his face out of his oatmeal bowl and asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece...

There were 3 friends stranded on a desert island. Exploring their environment, they found a bottle and opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I am so lonely, I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The...

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any...

" Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." "Of...

If you're not familiar with THE WORK OF STEVEN WRIGHT, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems...

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Over the next few days he received thousands of letters, phonecalls, and emails. In one way or another, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine, please!" :) :) :)

12. Life is actually sexually transmitted. 11. Being healthy is merely the slowest possible way for someone to die. 10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich! 9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions...

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air...

St. M o m's W o r t Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait...

Latest terms to add to your vocabulary for the 21st century corporate office environment: Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a...

Effective ways to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace: 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is...

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and...

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping...

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him. "Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's...

Patient (very worried): Doctor, I ache throughout my whole body and I don't know why... Doctor (leans back and looks at him carefully): OK, I see... Where exactly do you feel pain? Patient (touching various points of his head, chest, arms and legs): I hurt here, here, here, here, here, here...

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache and have a fever, can't eat or sleep, it's terrible - what is it? Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus. Patient: Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE in the office has it! Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection..! :) :) :)