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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3...

As you can see, this turns out to be a vegetarian fantasy! http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0183913358 :) :) :)

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that...

Now, most people would argue that in discussing meditation and related higher states of consciousness, only Mexican mushrooms are relevant :) As for plain, boring, old me, I just print out a coupon and call my local PizzaHut :) :)

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and...

I get the same feeling, especially after I have a couple slices of mushroom pizza and a cold bottle of Heineken :)

Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons. Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at? I think so. What happened to all the crayons? :) :) :)

Have a good one!

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be...

A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home from the bar the previous night. "I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said. "And then what happened?" "Someone stepped on my hands!" :) :) :)

I am thankful For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else. For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars. For the teenager who is complaining about doing...

A middle-aged gentleman of 60 feared his girlfriend was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the gentleman could...

Q. WHAT DOES HMO STAND FOR? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE". Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of "The Three Stooges", who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye. Q. I JUST...

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline . If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you...

1. Indifference: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look in your face. 2. Limitations: Until you spread your wings, you have no idea haw far you can walk. 3. Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee =...

Well, there was this guy in Texas who was trying to get legally married to his horse and this other guy in San Francisco who was trying to get legally married to his computer. Seriously. Maybe one of them managed to achieve their goal. Now, if they both succeeded, then the problem remains...

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy...

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock a couple of years ago, it would now be worth about $49.00. With Enron, you would have about $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. Approximately. HOWEVER, If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser...

Now, this is funny... sort of http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf