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Thoughts for the day (or hour): Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. How...

We're all getting older, just how old. . . . Senior Citizens A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a Checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to...

Super Bowl Seat Available A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, a man came down and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he said, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like...

Over Zealous Taxation? 2006 Tax Office Memorandum - Proposed New Tax For 2006 The only thing we have not yet taxed is the willy. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time...

For Bubbles and Company: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled...

1. On the night of their wedding, after making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find her groom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You...

Don: Yeah, and no A/C in the cars - you sweated your brains out with '4-way Air' (all windows all the way down!!). In college, remember the 1000+ card decks (80 columns) that had to be kept in perfect order to 'run'. One mistake, after 4 hours, and you had a day's worth of 'manual'...

MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if There was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very...

Transylvanian Sister Act Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield...

Mortgage and Running Away For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick...

Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up...

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our...

U.S.P.S. Special Delivery One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles...

They's all Rats!! A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. So he takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for...

WHEN A WOMAN WEARS LEATHER When a woman wears leather clothing, ........ A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck.

Missing Wives. Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a...

Increased Security Measures - World Wide The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A...

Careful Wording of All Wishes. . . A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time...

Photographic Evidence for answer to the "Kilt Queston". . . .

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