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On the bright side at least the apostrophe in the title is right, hurrah.

If the previous suggestions don’t work then you could try the power of prayer. Not sure which particular deity/deities you’re keen on but it might be worth a go. If you’re an atheist I’m afraid you’d better start preparing for a life of separated pipes!

The concept should be extended to allow people to identify as animals. After all, what rules are there to say that we are actually human, in fact what even is "human"? Personally I've always admired sloths, so I would probably self-identify as a sloth. However I would like to keep all of my...

I hope you are not mocking the monarchy... stay alert for cries of "Off with his head!". Or is that from the French Revolution, I was never quite sure.

I considered myself rich once I could afford to buy Heinz baked beans instead of supermarket own brand. Same for cornflakes. It’s all relative I suppose.

The best special mental treatment I can imagine would be a brain bath. In this procedure the brain would be extracted from the skull, cleansed in a soothing balm of nutrients, and then re-inserted (and all the nerves etc connected up). Alternatively as a punishment for miscreants, such as the...

Personally I’m more concerned about anti-vegetablism. E.g. you’ve got a CHIP on your shoulder - anti-potato! He went red as a BEETROOT - anti-root, stop it! CAULIFLOWER ears, no no no! If we could all just stop using vegetables abusively the world would be a kinder place. Now if you’ll excuse...

Not in the same league as Ric's tale, but following moderate snowfall across much of the UK over the weekend like all right-minded British citizens I built a fab snowman*** in the garden. However, this morning I was horrified to discover he'd been brutally decapitated. Still looking for the...

Misfits — low budget and a bit dodgy but imaginative and entertaining. Not sure if it’s available in the US though.

It’s usually by about 7pm but you may want to allow time for a cup of tea, so Perhaps more like 7:15pm. That timing will work for other drinks too e.g. coffee.

I’d say it depends what’s inside the box. For instance I wouldn’t stand outside a box full of alligators to think, but I would be happy to loiter outside a box full of cheese cogitating.

Soup enthusiast wanted. Slurpers and crouton crunching freaks need not apply.

A Roman mosaic, as it were.

I know what you mean - it's almost enough to put me off doing the hoovering naked while singing along to "Tragedy" by the Bee Gees!

If the track dips below deck level to skim the surface of the ocean log flume style, that would be an impressive feat. Otherwise meh.

Although we’d all appreciate another Cod War. Only one letter away from the Cold War but just as deadly (well almost).

Are you trying to say the bakery is too far away from your house for you to be able to walk to it to buy a slice of tasty bakewell tart? Or that you need some new sandals? Or something else?

Brain doing overtime again eh RainMaker? I think you probably need to relax with a nice cup of tea, and a chocolate digestive that you can dip in. Perhaps while watching some light entertainment on the telly too.

TBF probably their best chance of intelligent conversation (and winning at chess).

If the festive season finds you in need of inspiration try this simple system, which I am delighted to share with you with no strings attached in the spirit of Christmas: Each ornament on your Christmas tree is a financial instrument. This probably works best with commodity futures but up to...