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Playing Pool Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation. "Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked. "Oh, that was Mick," she replied...

The best places to find dates when over 50 1. Bingo night at the senior's club 2. Any self serve gas pump 3. Wheelchair race day at the senior center 4. Picnic on the grounds of your nearby nursing home 5. Entrance to the local cemetery 6. Limo drive for local funeral home...

Gay Bruce goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS". Bruce is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" "Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10...

I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If...

MEN ARE LIKE...(for the ladies) 1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like .......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .....Blenders...

Grandpa's Advice I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-since passed away grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time...

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times." :)

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta...

Here are the Top-Ten "tells" that will alert you that someone is a daytrader: 10. Refers to Touchdown run as a "classic breakout through resistance" 9. Complains to waitress that he's still waiting on a fill on his dessert order 8. Insists that Happy Hour should begin at 1:00 PM on the...

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try...

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks...

----- THE OLD DUDE An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock, brought out a $5,000 ring, and showed it...

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he...

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it . Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you Why do women have smaller feet than...

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.' So she did and said, 'These are too big. I...

A couple of blondes (male, this time) were out hunting in the woods when they lost their way. One of them, Bruce, had read that when lost, you should fire three times into the air and help will come... So he did just that - he fired 3 times into the air. Nothing happened. An hour later...

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to...

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over...

NEWLYWED'S A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked...

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for rhymes with the most romantic first line . . . but the least romantic second line. 1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. 2. Thought that I could love no other Until, that...