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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ..... A man...

The Tight Skirt: In a crowded Texas city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step...

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why...

Low on Flu Vaccines? Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat...

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded...

This may have been on this forum last year, but, it's still funny. . . . Wedding Story with A Moral My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There...

Tech Analysis: I live out west (AZ), #8 is ignored by certain elements of the Mormon religious cult. . . . .

The World’s View of Marriage >> > World’s View 1: >> > Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning. > >>>>> > World’s View 2: >> > If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every >> > word you say, talk in your sleep. >>>>> > World’s View 3...

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "Every...

Monica Lewinsky Finds Religion Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my...

This blonde goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a...

Florida Councilman's View T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to...

An old farmer in Missouri had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer...

(((((((( READ SLOWLY ))))))) (((((((THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER! ))))))) 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that *leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with...

BODY MEETING ============= All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge," said the blood...

A test You are driving down the road in your car on a dark, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. You see an old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to...

The "Whys" of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY...

Cinderella years later Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy...

RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD: 1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall. 2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck. 3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack. 4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow...