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A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife comments, "Now don't be...

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab...

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid...

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said...

Hi Mate, I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's license back. you keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during...

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off. I came in to work early the other day...

Part of the airline's recent settlement with the unions was hiring handicapped people. The other day, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. Two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilots' uniforms and both were wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a...

This is MY kind of doctor! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's...

Confidential Memo Intercepted this weekend: ELITE FIGHTING GROUP ENLISTMENT The Pentagon announced today the formation of an ELITE FIGHTING GROUP called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRNSF) The boys of this unit, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss, and Boo, will be dropped behind enemy lines...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the Breeding Bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50...

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging...

You gotta love Robin Williams..... Even if he's nuts!!! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message: "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So...

Difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? The epileptic oyster shucker shucks bewteen fits.

STOLEN CAR (seat) An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The...

Did I tell you Lorena Bobbitt signed a deal with the Lakers? Just, of course, to get the tip...off. And, Milwaukee cops found another old Jeff Dahmer Roommate. Some assembly was required.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top...

Seven Degrees of Blondes FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The...

Puns, of the worst order! 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a...

An Irishman staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he...